Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
