i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Randomize
