The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
