So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Randomize
