every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
