Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize