So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I just had sex on a roof
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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