ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Boobs speak an international language.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
