My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
did i walk over a car last night?
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
