Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
