RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
