Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
