why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
tonight lets celebrate not being married
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
