why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
