sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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