It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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