wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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