Do you still have your period?
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
