Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
