Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Randomize
