how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
