My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
