Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Randomize
