Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
