1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
