Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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