the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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