so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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