Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
