I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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