Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
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