mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
May the power of my ass compel you!!
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
