Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Randomize
