Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
