dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
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