The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
