Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
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