My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
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