there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I just got carded by a ten year old.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
