He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
