I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
