She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Randomize
