id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
