R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
