you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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