absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Randomize
