yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
