FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
