i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
