The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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