even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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