Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
