you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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