i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
