dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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