There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
two words...techno handjob
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
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