I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Randomize
