it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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