He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
