Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Walk of Shame today included voting.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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