then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
COCAINE IS GR8
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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