i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
