The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
