When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
do herpes really smell.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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